THIS SKI TRIP IS AN ACT OF CLASSIST AGGRESSION

Listen to me closely, you bourgeoisie monster: This ski trip you’ve planned is an affront to my middle class upbringing. 

I cannot believe you think I would participate. Your callous invitation only shows how little you understand the plight of the common man. (I am a common man. I know how to use a manufacturer’s coupon.)

I’m sure that you and all your monied friends will glide down the mountain without a care in the world. But imagine, if you can stop dreaming of tax loopholes, what it feels like to ski as a Real American. My parents could not afford to take me skiing as a child, therefore I never learned how. Now the very idea of falling leaves me terrified that I will snap my legs in half. This is called economic anxiety.

I can see the doubt in your eyes, so do me a favor. When you stand beneath the eaves of a chalet, fastening the zipper of your Canada Goose jacket, look around you. You will see hordes of incredibly skilled, blindingly white children. They ski so well because they glide in the tracks of their fathers, and their grandfathers before them! 

Those children will become adults who, like you, have only known winters on the Matterhorn. I do not have the luxury of such generational wealth. My childhood vacations were just trips to visit cousins in another part of South Carolina.

I can hear your protests now. “This is only a trip upstate! I’ve never even been to Switzerland!” It makes no difference that you are not an international elite. Do you understand your privilege? Do you see the inherent inequality of winter sports? Can you even comprehend that I don’t know what a gondola is?

To answer your incredibly insulting question, yes, I’ll come for the whole weekend. I won't ski (as a form of protest) but you can be sure my Instagram stories will misrepresent the entire experience. Those rednecks back home are going to think I’m drowning in money.