The Neophyte's Guide to Cookout
Salvation through saturated fats.
To see a glowing Cookout sign is to see the face of God — the God you most want to believe in, a benevolent and loving Creator, beckoning you to fill your heart until it runneth over with salvation and saturated fats.
Cookouts are drive-thru only. Your car, likely filled with six drunk and hungry friends, must approach The Board. Like any holy temple, visitors are not permitted in the inner sanctum.
I can hear you now. “There are too many options! How can I order? How can any heart know what it desires?” You are a silly child to ask such a thing. The Board guides you. The Board teaches you. You will not leave The Board feeling that you have made a bad decision, for it only offers that which is well and good.
You and your six inebriated friends will each make a tray. The sign says THE BEST COMBO IN [YOUR CITY], but the sign is being modest. This is the best combo in the world. For $4.99, you can choose a main, two sides, and a drink. It is cheaper than tithing, and feels like sin.
Your tray can be anything. It can be a big double burger, onion rings, cajun fries, and a Cheerwine float. You can skip the main and double up on sides. You can even order a quesadilla to drink (they will put it in a styrofoam cup and sling it through your open window.)
My tray is a BBQ sandwich, a corndog, a beef quesadilla, and a huge tea. This knowledge is as innate as breathing and as comforting as the sound of my mother’s voice. Any Cookout disciple knows their order by heart, for it is our scripture.
If this is your first tray, The Board will whisper to you: Turn your drink into a Fancy Shake.
“Again! The choices! How can I choose a flavor?” You don’t. You choose four. Or five. It doesn’t matter. If there is an upper limit, science and mathematics have not found it. Order a cappuccino-Snickers-caramel-fudge-cheesecake shake if your soul desires it. You will not be turned away. All are welcome.
At this point, you and the six drunks in your car will have yelled seven separate and complicated orders into a microphone. “There’s no way this will work,” you think. Have you learned nothing? Cookout is infallible and unfailing.
After you drive to the window and hand over seven credit cards, you will receive seven perfectly filled orders. You will each be charged the correct amount. You will feel the love of a greater power as it smiles upon you and raises your cholesterol. All is as it should be.
May the Cookout Sign bless you
and keep you;
May the Cookout Sign make its face shine upon you
and be gracious to you;
And the Cookout Sign turn its face toward you
and give you peace.
-Styrofoam 6:24-26