I Rearranged the Alphabet So It Feels Right
I Rearranged the Alphabet So It Feels Right
The order of this thing is all fucked up, and I don't like it.
You learn the alphabet as a small child through rote memorization: Start with A, go through the string until you get to Z, and sing it to the tune of “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.” Voila! That’s the alphabet.
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
The problem is most of those letters are in the wrong place. Sure, A is definitely first, and Z is certainly last, but almost nothing in the middle is correct. If something so fundamental as The Alphabetical Order is broken, it's no wonder American society is collapsing. (Also: It’s why everyone on Instagram is arranging their bookshelves by color.)
Hear me out: When was the last time you used J more than once in a sentence? It does not deserve that primo 10th position. My name starts with a J and it still feels more like, I dunno, letter #19? The letter J is like a Butterfinger bar — you’ll never say I could really fuck up a Butterfinger right now, but they’re there if you need them and they’re just fine.
And Q? It feels like a late-alphabet letter — an interesting but underused shape that is mostly useful for Scrabble players and people with undiagnosed personality disorders who want to overthrow the government. Would you believe that Q actually lives solidly in the alphabet’s middle third? It's true, and it's fucked up.
What I'm proposing is a new 24-letter alphabet. Rearranged, trimmed down, and easily split into fourths. This new alphabet will serve as a solid foundation for a Post-Truth society that desperately needs to find its footing.
This can change the world. Come with me.
The First Quarter
A B E S R I
A and B must stay in their rightful positions. Too much of our lives revolve around this duo hanging out at the front of the line. We all have Plan A, and if that goes wrong we have Plan B. No one has a third plan, and if they do they call it Ah shit, maybe try this?
E was already close to the front, but she gets a promotion here. She’s the most important letter in the English language, and deserves to be treated as such. Just in this paragraph alone, there are 26 Es. We must put her on a pedestal.
S, R, and I round out this quadrant for similar reasons — they’re frequently used, and you can’t win Scrabble without ‘em. S gets to go first because all that pluralizing seems like hard work.
The Second Quarter
F L M N O T
We all know why F is here. If you say “F” people know you mean a whole curse word — the most powerful, versatile curse word — and you don’t even have to say it.
Then, look, I couldn’t break up the band… “Elimeno” is the most fun group of letters in the alphabet. These bros go everywhere together. Sure, they’re always drunk and slurring themselves together, but they know how to have a good time.
And T’s in all your favorite words. Got a nice staccato sound to it. Makes sense here.
The Third Quarter
Y C H G D P
Look at these perfectly adequate letters. No one gives a shit about them.
Y thinks he’s better than the others because sometimes The Vowels let him hang out, but if they actually liked him they’d extend a full-time offer.
The Final Group
U J Q V X Z
What a group of weirdos! They’re not last because they’re useless, they’re last because they don’t care what you think.
Q has a weird tail. J is all tail. V and X are pointy as hell. No one ever gets to use Z, but when he shows up you know it’s a party. They’re all delightful and I love them.
U gets the first spot here. You might think it’s because she’s a vowel, but it’s actually because she gets solo billing in all of Prince’s horniest songs.
The Cuts
W and K
These letters are both redundant for different reasons.
W has its own unique sound, but visually it’s just two Vs. VV. vv. See? Just use two Vs.
K has its own unique look, but audibly doesn’t do anything that can’t be handled by a C or two. (See: Thicc)
Thank these letters for their service, then put them out of your mind forever. They are gone now.
A B E S R I F L M N O T Y C H G D P U J Q V X Z
Ahhh. Isn’t that better? Someone get the secretary of education on the line, we’ve got some curriculum to change.