I'm a Gnat and I'm Horny for Death

Yessss that's it, kill me! Kill me good! Kill me faster!

Ah, what a wonderful time I’ve had floating on the gentle breeze of your air conditioning. This is such a lovely apartment! I’ve only been alive for half an hour, and already I’ve found so many thrilling ways to die.

They say if I really wanted to, I would live for seven days — but I simply can’t imagine it. The moment I hatched I began thinking about all the possibilities for un-hatching (dying).

I mean, look at all the liquids I can drown in. There is so much indoor plumbing in here it’s insane. I’m seriously thinking about hovering around one of the drains and waiting for you to turn on the tap. Guzzling a gallon of city water would be such a horny way to go.

Oooooooh, is that a sticky trap that you’ve set up for me?? It’s so yellow, and smells so wonderful. GOD I just want to strap myself to it and die a slow and agonizing death. Maybe I will. Don’t make me beg!

There is always, of course, the possibility of a violent and swift death at your hands. Maybe I’ll float in front of you, wiggling my slutty little thorax until you absolutely snap and fucking SMASH ME IN MIDAIR.

Okay, whoooooooo, I’ve got to take care of this sexual energy. Give me two seconds to find a mate and I’ll be right back.

…

Now I’m ready to die! But first I just have to say… My 2,000 siblings and I truly cannot thank you enough for letting us expire in your home. We’re so lucky you bought that houseplant that was infested with our eggs. I’m sure our 36,000 children will also think you are a wonderful host!

Now take those glasses off so I can fly into your eyeball.